Chill Factors Blog - Dating Stories (disasters meeting women)

Living in Florida and being a scuba diver, I thought maybe I should actually own a boat. The most compelling reason is so that I can go out and dive for the Megalodon shark teeth off Venice beach. So, close to a year ago, I bought a small project boat. Unfortunately, I'm just a programmer, not really a boat expert, and certainly not a mechanic. So, I worked on it a little, then it sat there for a long time. Worked a little more, hired a couple people to do some jobs I couldn't handle. One guy did what I hired him to do, the other just talked about grand ideas and mostly did things I never actually hired him to do. Finally, over the last two months, I've spent every weekend working on getting it ready. Still nothing fancy, but Sunday was the big day and "Stress Less" (the most ironic boat name in history) was ready. I talked my friend Trixie into venturing out on our maiden voyage into Sarasota Bay. This is what our little adventure looked like:


Nothing but smiles on this trip:



And, this is what it looked like two hours later.
Yes, that's our boat being towed back to shore by a senior tour pontoon boat.


We had been cruising around and greatly enjoying the beautiful afternoon for at least a couple hours with no problems. Trixie finally conceded that I do in fact, rule. We headed back, and just outside of the channel markers for the docks, the engine died. It was definitely electrical, so I checked everything electrical that I had worked on over the last few months to see what it was that I had done wrong. I switched to the secondary battery, checked all the fuses under the dash, the ignition switch connections. Trixie called out, "did you wiggle all of them?" Yes, Trixie, I wiggled everything. We then broke out the trusty paddles. Unfortunately, the wind was against us and paddling a boat isn't quite as easy as a nice little canoe. After about 5 minutes, we had gone a grand total of 15 feet... in the wrong direction. I blamed Trixie, she appreciated my support.

Then, the pontoon boat came close by. Trixie said to make sure I looked sad and dejected so they'd offer to help. I looked over at Trixie's face and told her that she had the sad and dejected look covered well enough for the both of us. There isn't much more of a sinking feeling (get it) than being stranded on a non-running boat in the freakin ocean. Luckily, pontoon boat towed us in as they were going to the exact same dock we were. After we got back I kept tinkering and did actually find the problem. The only reason I didn't find it before was because I was looking at things I might have messed up, and it turned out to just be the fuse on the engine, something I had never tinkered with. So, having plenty of spare fuses I could have fixed it in under two minutes out there. Oh well. Now, I just need to try and figure out what caused the fuse to blow in the first place, though the immediate solution is just to have plenty of extra fuses on hand and Stress Less is back in business!

I recently moved from St Pete to Sarasota. Not exactly a big move, about 45 minutes. I was back up in St Pete taking my silly non-running boat over to a "backyard" mechanic. I hauled it over to Tampa where he lives to leave the boat there for a week or two so he can get it running for me. I found his place in a run down trailer park tucked behind a salvage yard. I believe his official address was 1217 Meth Lab Lane. I'm probably never going to see that boat again. I trust the guy, but it was a scary little place.

I then drove back over to St Pete and checked in with my 21yr olds (actually both 22 now) and they said they were going out to the local dive bar that quite a few of my stories originate from. So, I figured I'd hang around and meet them down there. We played some pool and just hung out for a while. When they left I went and talked to a girl that I sometimes see there. Actually, she's a far more regular than I am, doubt I've ever been there and she wasn't there along with her boyfriend, or a large group of friends as she was tonight. I've only met about half of her group, but they're all friendly. She bounced around and after a bit she walked back over to me and said, "My friend Mark thinks you're hot."

A long pause followed.

"O.K." was the only clever thing that I came up with to say. She continued to look at me, apparently I'm suppose to elaborate in some way and since I didn't she continued...
Girl: "Do you like girls?"
Me: "Yeah."
Girl: "Only girls?"

Only girls? Well, I have to admit, it's been quite a while since I've gotten any action. No, wait...

"Yeah, only girls."
I smiled at that point. Hey, it's still a compliment.

She was very apologetic that she had asked me, but she said her friend had asked her to. She didn't need to apologize. I told her I wasn't offended or upset about it. I honestly didn't even know which of the guys in her group was Mark. She also brought up a really good point when she added, "If a gay guy says you're hot, then you know you're hot." Absolutely.

I'm going to miss that odd little bar.

I was at the same bar, seeing if I might bump into the girl from my previous story. No, but I did bump into a girl that I'm friends with and talked to her for a bit. She pointed out a girl that was dancing and the fact that the dancing girl had handcuffs dangling from one of her wrists. Handcuff girl was very pretty, I wouldn't mind being cuffed to her. Ahhh, to dream.

Later I was over by the dance floor and two girls that were dressed in some bizarre outfits were dancing near me. They were each wearing multiple tops and dresses, a mix of awful layers. I couldn't figure out what their theme was, but it was obviously some kind of joke that I just wasn't in on. However, one of the oddly dressed girls started dancing by me and asked me to dance with her. I gave her my usual, "I'm not much of a dancer" and she drifted away for a moment, then came back over. Apparently, that's my move. The more you tell a girl you don't dance, the more she makes it her life mission to get you to dance. Turns out, she was there with handcuff girl. Here's what was going on, handcuff girl was dressed very nice, and had cuffs and a badge. She was the fashion police, and her two oddly dressed friends were committing crimes of fashion. Actually, they said they were fashion criminals, but I think crime of fashion sounds way cooler. I'd like to point out that Halloween was weeks ago, this was just their random theme of the night. Well, it was handcuff girl's birthday, but I still don't think that relates to their theme in any way.

There was also a guy in the mix, a friend that was drunker than any of the 3 girls and was hitting on which ever one of them was closest to him at the time, so I couldn't tell if he was officially with any one of them or not. The girl I was dancing with was very nice and kept me pretty entertained. On the dance floor she was having me twist her, dip her, and all sorts of moves I wasn't certified to attempt. During a lull in the dancing, handcuff girl came over, whispered to oddly dressed dancing girl, and then took out a little notepad from her outfit. It was a ticket book, she checked off a pair of boxes and handed it to me. The first portion was a list of violations with 6 options. She had selected item: "Insufficient flirting and attention." The second portion was the sentencing, and included things like "You have to buy me a drink." However, she had gone with the final item of the federal sentencing guidelines and selected, "House arrest, I'm taking you home." Aw crap, they're really cracking down on crime out here in FL.

I was then dragged out onto the dance floor with her, and she attached the other end of the handcuff to my wrist. Wait a second, did I really get cuffed to the hot girl my friend had pointed out earlier in the night? Granted, they were plastic cuffs that you could just pull apart, but that's not really the point. I danced with both her and oddly dressed girl for a while and had about as much fun as I've had in months to be honest. Oddly dressed girl asked me who I was there with and I explained that I had a friend there, but that I had come alone. She told me that I wouldn't be leaving alone. Wait, say again? Now, in complete joke or not, two of the three girls have said I'm going home with them. Not a bad night. I never really spoke to the 3rd girl, or to the guy, but after a while everyone was talking about leaving and they had arrived at the bar by cab. A smart move, give them planning ahead credit for being responsible. Oddly dressed girl asked if I could possibly take them to their apartment. Given the fact that all 3 girls were pretty, friendly, roommates, and that the guy didn't really seem to be attached to any of them, I'd have to go with, "ummm, yeah, I could probably take you home..." I did tell her that I had a small truck, so at best two could squeeze up front, and two would have to ride in the back. They didn't care, and we walked out to my truck.

Walking out, somehow I ended up walking separately with handcuff girl and she attached the other cuff to my wrist again. We're walking two blocks up to where I'm parked, cuffed, holding hands, and of the three girls, she was in fact the prettiest. It was extremely tempting to make a move, especially when we arrived at my truck well ahead of anyone else. Here's the issue. Oddly dressed girl was super friendly and cool with me the entire night. Do I actually go for handcuff girl just because she's a little bit hotter? That seems pretty shallow, and I didn't.

Driving to their apartment I ended up with both oddly dressed girls up front, birthday girl and drunk guy in the back of the truck, huddled under a blanket that I happened to have stashed in my truck for just such an emergency where I need it to help keep a girl cozy. Ok, it's never been used before. Drunk guy owes me a thank you for setting him up on a cuddle-under-the-blanket ride with handcuff girl.

During the drive, oddly dressed girl talked with me the whole way, was very nice and I was pretty happy I hadn't tried to get anywhere with the other girl. Sitting next to me, I don't even remember how it came about, but the two girls kissed briefly. Oddly dressed girl asked me what I thought about their romantic kiss. I told her it didn't really seem all that romantic, it was more of a peck. She told me I was right and went in to kiss her again (It's true, I'm a genius). That kiss was a lot better. She then asked me if I wanted a romantic kiss, too. I did, but at that exact moment in time we were making a left hand turn through a large intersection so I told her to hold that thought for just a minute. Unfortunately, being drunk, she was really only able to hold thoughts for about 9 seconds and after we got through the intersection she became distracted giving me directions to her apartment and her previous offer vanished before my eyes.

When we arrived at their place, she asked me if I wanted to see their apartment. Ah, the subtle invitation to come inside. I told her it was getting pretty late and that I should go home.... no, that's not what I said. The 4 of us go inside and a twist takes place. Just after we enter, oddly dressed girl gets a phone call. Apparently it's from her boyfriend that lives a few hours away in Jacksonville. She retreats into her bedroom to talk privately and I never saw her again. I have to admit, I didn't see that coming. As it turns out, hot birthday girl (that I didn't hit on) was totally single, and the super friendly girl (that I held out for) was taken. Talk about your all time backfires.

Now, that still leaves hot handcuff girl, but she had been cuddling with drunk guy the entire ride and it was obvious he was hoping to get some action going and handcuff girl had been pretty friendly with him as well. Plus, without the lively oddly dressed girl in the mix, the whole thing just seemed to have a different feeling, especially since I was the outsider of their little group. So, when the girls started talking about it being late and needing to get some sleep, I was out. Nothing. And, the super friendly girl never even poked her head out to say good-bye.

There are probably a half dozen lessons to be learned here, but I'll just focus on two.
#1 If a pretty girl is riding in your car and asks if you want a kiss, take the kiss regardless of your current driving situation.

#2 If a hot girl actually handcuffs you to her, go ahead and make a move you freakin idiot!

Chill Factor = 4

I'm giving oddly dressed girl two ice cubes for ditching me to talk to her boyfriend without even saying good-bye after being so friendly with me all night. I'm also giving myself two ice cubes for somehow managing to dance with two girls, be handcuffed to one, offered a kiss from the other, ending up at their apartment, and still not even pulling off a phone number. That takes talent.

Still the most fun I've had in the last couple of months, though.

This summer I spent a month in Montana with friends. It was great, best vacation I ever had and thanks to all those that helped make that happen.

Now, I finally want to write some more stories... The truth is, I haven't been nearly as active lately. I've gone on a few internet dates and I might write about those another time, but for now a classic bar story.

I'm in the middle of moving to Sarasota for a new job, but still go to the dive bar back in St Pete when I'm up there packing stuff up over the weekends. When I first arrived I noticed a girl I had seen there before. We made eye contact and I think she smiled at me, but who knows for sure. She might have been smiling at someone behind me, or just smiling in general. She walked by a few minutes later and I could have sworn she looked me over again, but then disappeared and my attention shifted to two women that appeared to be there single, and on the prowl. I only say on the prowl because they were talking to a variety of people, and not really blowing anyone off, a friendly pair.

Unfortunately, I stalled too long and they both ended up talking and dancing with a couple of guys for the rest of the night. Missed opportunity. Nearing closing time the girl that I saw when I first walked in was dancing with a guy, though she didn't appear to be totally into him. I only say that because she looked at me and smiled. This time I was sure. Wait, double check, nobody behind me. Then, she motioned for me to come out there with her. Ok, now I'm sure.

Two obvious problems, the one is my standard issue of the fact most women unanimously agree that I'm the worst dancer they've ever seen. Second problem is that she was in fact dancing with a guy and whether or not she was into him, I'm not about to break the code and try to block him. Freakin man traitors. She's going to have to come over here so I'm not in man-code violation. And, to my surprise, she did.

She asked me to dance with her and I mentioned that I wasn't that much of a dancer. She told me she kinda has a thing for the guys that don't like to dance. Seriously? This girl is in luck then. She won the first battle and I danced a little. She then asked me why I hadn't come over and talked to her earlier when she looked at me and made it clear she wanted me to. Huh? Once again proving that men are clueless (or at least I am) and that women do in fact believe that we are telekinetic.

The most interesting aspect was when I assured her that I didn't realize she wanted me to approach her she actually seemed annoyed and doubted me. That figures, we've known each other for 3 minutes, it's about time we have our first argument. Perhaps we should also schedule a talk to discuss our feelings. Ok, I'm exaggerating slightly there, but it was funny. At the end we parted ways and I told her I'd be there the following Sat night. Our conversation was extremely brief, but she seemed nice. My only question was whether or not I was physically attracted to her or not. For some reason I just wasn't sure if she was my type, whatever that is. I didn't try to get her number, just figured I'd bump into her again soon. Unfortunately, she didn't make an appearance the next week, but three other interesting women did, that story will be appearing tomorrow, and is much better than this one.

On the night of the fourth of July I met my friend Trixie down by the beach. Her boyfriend has a friend over in my area, so they were at his house for the fireworks show. After hanging out with her for a bit I wandered over to the little bar I go to, my 21yr old friends were there. We were about to play pool when I saw a girl I wanted to say hi to.

The girl was facing her friend, and I wandered over next to the friend so I'd be in her line of sight. She looked right past me several times. Undaunted, I walked over and said hi, asker her how she was doing, how long she had been there, if she watched the fireworks show, all of the normal friendly things you might ask. To every question I got a one word answer, quite chilly. No problem, she just wasn't interested, not unusual and no big deal. No, it wouldn't be unusual if this weren't the girl I had gone on a date with exactly 5 days ago. We saw Ocean's 13, then had drinks afterwards. It was a 4 1/2 hour date, we kissed and we've spoken since then. So, nothing at all unusual about pretending I'm not even there!

Granted, it wasn't the best date in recorded history and neither of us fell madly in love, but I had fun and personally would have gone out with her again. At the very least I'd be friendly with her, I'm not in 9th grade. I left to go play pool with my friends. They might only be 21 years old, but they're at least nice to me.

Chill Factor = 4
Originally this was a chill factor of 1.

Last week I got a txt msg from drama-free girl. That was the first contact she'd initiated in about 10 days, so it was a little surprising. She didn't just say hi, she sent a really long txt, two in fact one, she sent the 2nd one to continue the first, opening up a good conversation possibility. As I read the msg, I noticed the date. June 29th. Why does that date sound familiar? Oh yeah, because that's the date in her sex profile where she says she'll start ovulating! Coincidence that's the day she starts sending texts and talking to me again? Is she gloating in some way that she has someone coming over? Or, did perhaps the guy bail on her and suddenly I just might be invited over again? I don't know, I didn't take the bait. I sent back a polite but brief txt that didn't open the door. She's one interesting character.

I met an interesting character online. She's really close to my age (which means I somehow think she's too old for me) and she's working on a PhD in psychology. She actually lives close by, so we decided to meet down at the local Gulfport beach a mile or two from my house. She only had one vague photo in her profile, so I asked how I'd recognize her. She told me that most describe her as very pretty, bleached blond, thin, with large breasts. Well, ok then.

As I walked along the beach I saw her sitting down from like a half mile away because she fit her description exactly, wearing a pink mini-skirt and a tight tank top that did in fact reveal that she hadn't been exaggerating. There was no way that we were each other's type. I guarantee this girl is high maintenance, probably a little spoiled.

We talked, and my prediction wasn't far off at all, she wouldn't get in a white-water raft or go camping with me if her life depended on it. But, we hung out for a couple of hours and had a far better time that I would have imagined. She was very sweet and surprised me quite a bit. What didn't surprise me was that as a full-time grad student, she's also a part-time stripper. She just looks like she might be, for whatever that's worth. She told me she normally doesn't work much more than 6 days a month and only on weekends when you make the real money. Earning $500 to $1000 a night, why work more? You know, it's hard to argue with logic like that.

A couple days later she gives me a call, just to say hi. Wait, is the hot blond stripper into me? I hadn't really given much thought to that scenario. Even though we had a good time we're just such total opposites. Yet, we talked for quite a while and she was once again very sweet.

Then, on Wed I get a call from a number I don't recognize, turns out to be a restaurant that she's at (she may be the only person in I've met without a cell phone). Apparently she was out with a friend that I would say from her general description isn't exactly a friend, or exactly a date, I'd probably go with "sugar daddy." But, the problem was they got in a big fight and she stormed out of a restaurant that I personally would barely be able to afford taking her to. She walked a few blocks, and ended up at a little restaurant/bar and was hoping I could give her a lift home. She was only a few miles away, not really a problem at all.

When I got there she was having a glass of wine, and we hung out for a bit while she had another drink or two. We were talking about what her plans were. She had just taken her last exam of summer school classes, so to celebrate she and the guy were going to have dinner, then go to a local strip club where one of her really close friends was dancing tonight. It was a Wed evening, so it would be dead there and she wanted to hang out with her friend. She then looked at me with puppy dog eyes, as in, since I stormed out on that other guy, would you want to take me now? That's what I like, being the back-up plan. But, you know, what else am I going to do on a Wed night? I look at it like this:

Chances of us actually dating: 2%.
Chances of getting a good story: 98%
I'm in.

We head up to the strip club. I really don't know the regulations, but I believe in St Pete if they serve alcohol they can't have nudity, so if women take their tops off it requires those little nipple pasties. It's a small club, and yes on a Wed evening it's very slow. Counting myself, there were 5 guys to go along with the 4 dancers. We sat at the bar and her friend came over and joined us. Most of the evening I just listened to those two chat. There was a fight on the tv, so I watched quite a bit of that as well. But, any time one of the girls did go up to dance, I went over and gave them a tip. It was required... by my date. She explained that there's nothing worse than a guy that comes in and doesn't at least give out a couple of bucks to each dancer, so she set the ground rules and I had no choice but to go up and mingle with whichever stripper was on stage. Hey, it was her rule, not mine.

The girls were practicing their pole moves, mostly messing around and having fun since there weren't enough guys there to matter. My date joined her friend on the stage at one point and started doing her own routine. In fact, she had the best body there, easily. She made some serious eye contact with me and motioned for me to come up to the edge of the stage while she took some layers of clothing off and tossed them at me. Yes, I knew there would be a story here! She ended up going topless while I stood there attempting to look cool, you know, like I'm use to having women dance topless in front of me in an empty strip club. Let's not forget, my date didn't think to put on those nipple pasties before she left the house, so she actually showed more than anyone else in the club and got some cheers from the "crowd" in the back. When she came off stage I put $2 into her bra, I figured the tipping rule applied to her as well and it was received with a good laugh. The manager let her know that she was welcome to dance any time, but that she couldn't actually go completely topless again because of their permit.

At one point all of the girls were gathering around my date as she was describing what a jerk the guy was she fought with earlier, how she stormed out on him, and that I came to her rescue and saved her evening. In perfect synchrony, all the strippers went, "Awwwwwwww." Apparently, in small hole-in-the-wall strip clubs, I'm like a super hero.

By the time we left she had a quite bit to drink, and to my surprise announced that we were going to another strip club where one of her other friends worked. Ummm, ok. We get there and this one is a bit more busy and has a $7 per person cover charge. She asks to speak to the manager and uses her "I'm a hot blond that really doesn't want to have to pay a cover charge" routine and we were in for free. Her friend wasn't working that night, though. My date had a few more drinks, I tipped a few more dancers, declined a couple of lap dances, and we headed out. By now she was hammered. I used the restroom right before we left, but she waited until we got out to my truck and announced she had to pee. I said I'd wait while she ran back inside, but she said no and started to pull her pants down to pee next to my truck. Well, that is one option. I wandered back over to my side of the truck.

"Josh, I need some toilet paper."
Yeah, my truck isn't currently stocked with that, but I'm sure they had some in the bathrooms that she declined to use.
"You have to get me something."
I had nothing in my truck, not even a napkin, so I handed her a t-shirt I had in there from a day I went to the beach. Damn, I kinda liked that t-shirt.

I'm driving to her house, she's somewhat asleep, somewhat babbling, but at least managed to direct me to her place. I walked her to her door, which wasn't optional, she may have fallen over otherwise. After watching her try to get the key in the lock for about 30 seconds I guided it in for her. Now, if you ever wanted to make a move to sleep with a hot stripper, this was the "opportune moment" as Jack Sparrow (Captain, Jack Sparrow) would say. I guided her a step inside the house... then turned myself around.

It was fun, I got a personal strip tease, met a lot of half naked girls, and just laughed at every little detail most of the night. I'm personally looking forward to more strip club adventures, but I'm going to encourage her to use the bathrooms next time. It's an odd little life, but it's mine.

Andy is having drama-free withdrawals. Who could blame him, it was quite the tale. To answer his main question, no, I haven't spoken a word to drama free girl since last weekend. She hasn't been in touch with me either, that's because she has found a suitable "sperm donor." I'm fairly sure of this because as I mentioned before, she's a bit of a myspace junkie. A couple of new guys popped up on her top 16 friends list this last week. To satisfy my own curiosity I checked... yep, they have dating profiles on the site she's advertising herself on. So, there you go, her ad worked and she's found some guys even dumber than I am.

I on the other hand, "picked up a chick" at the bar on Fri night. By picked up, I mean I talked to her and she gave me her phone number (a real one). We've talked, and should have gotten together by now, but somehow the schedules didn't fit yet. The only down side is that when we talked a couple days later she mentioned she was fairly drunk the night we met, which she didn't really seem to me, but what do I know. So, not 100% sure we'll get along when she's fully sober, that's backfired on me before.

I also had a date a week ago that went just fine and I'm fairly sure I'll see her again and see what kind of chemistry we have on the 2nd date. She's just super busy because her family owns a half dozen of those fireworks stands, so from now until the 4th of July she's in chaos running one of those things. She even takes vacation from work just to do that, but apparently it's profitable enough to be well worth it.

But, especially for Andy, here's a few little things I did find out about Drama-Free girl near the end. Once I had hung out with her a bit, she kinda opened up, which in this case wasn't a good thing:

She had always said her ex husband was abusive, which is why it was "ok" to attack him in the parking lot. But, in later (more detailed) stories found that he needed stitches from her twice. Once from a lamp to the back of the head, and once from a stab wound. Yes, a stab wound. I have no assumption here, perhaps he was terribly violent and these were in self defense, but I'd like to point out that the stab wound was also in his back. Oh, and officially, she was the only one ever arrested for domestic violence, never him. I suppose if the police show up and one of the two people has a knife in their back, you do tend to arrest the other one. Let's just say I never turned my back on her, I just shuffled away, keeping an eye out for sharp objects within her reach.

She currently doesn't drive because her license was revoked. Not suspended, that was the first time she got into an accident without insurance. It was revoked after her 2nd accident without insurance while driving with a suspended license. Neither were actually her fault, though, obviously.

I also realized at some point that she isn't really a roommate of the guy she's living with. She's just a freeloader. She's pretty, he has a crush on her, so she and her son just live there for free. I think she cleans a little in exchange... though not the dishes or the trash, she explained in detail how much she dislikes both of those and they're his chores. So, maybe she vacuums a little? I feel bad because I know she's essentially using him and it works simply because he likes her while she has no feelings for him at all in return. Which is a good thing, but he doesn't know it. Plus, what's he going to do, ask her to leave? Do you know how many knives are lurking in the kitchen?

Ok, all of this reminiscing is making me miss her. Seriously.

I had originally started talking to drama-free girl several months ago, on a different dating site than the one I've used recently. I haven't been back on that site since, but over the weekend I got bored, and having come to the realization that there probably wasn't that much of a future with drama-free girl, I fell pray to the temptation and clicked on one of those emails in my inbox, the one that says something like, "Joshua, take a look at your new matches."

I did, and wouldn't you know, drama-free girl is one of my matches again. The fact that she's active on a dating site isn't a big deal at all, she and I certainly weren't in some kind of committed relationship and I still had a profile up on the other site. I was curious, so I took a peek at her profile. Ok, now this is a big deal and the only way to convey it is to post the heart of her profile.

I am a happy young woman, a single parent with one child. I come from an educated family and have my own goals. At this point in my life I don't want any romantic relationship at all. However, I do want a second child, a sibling for my son. I am seeking, in essence, sex as a means of sperm donation. I will, of course, sign legal documents terminating the other person's rights, thereby letting them off the financial hook, so to speak. I only desire that the person be healthy and drug and disease free, as well as mentally stable and intelligent. I am not willing to pay anything, so your desire should be to see your seed go on, to be fruitful and fulfill your biological imperative, or perhaps you'll see it as helping someone out.

You must be able to travel to my house on the days specified, which will be updated as they grow closer and my accuracy improves. No dating, thank you. Next ovulation cycle June 30th - July 2nd, approximately. Must be available these days.

Ok, then.

If I didn't know this person, I'd assume that was some kind of prank profile. But no, that's my girl, and she's dead serious. We've had a conversation where she mentioned she really wanted another child, but she talked in terms of within the next few years, not within the next few weeks. It's also just peachy to note that her profile was only a couple of weeks old, meaning she posted it while she and I were seeing each other, and had sex. I was slightly taken aback (mild understatement), but let's dig a little deeper.

First, this whole "contract" so the guy doesn't have any obligations. Trust me, walk into court with a document and tell the judge you don't owe child support because you signed this little piece of paper and see what happens. I'm fairly sure that drama-free girl is the only one in the world that considers a guy coming over to her house and having sex a "donation." You'd be laughed out of court. Being a father isn't a contract with the woman, it's a contract with the child, so nothing you sign with her is valid and the state won't just let you walk away from your obligations. Unfortunately, this girl is very attractive and guys are stupid, it's true, we are. According to her profile, there's currently over 50+ guys that have marked her as a "favorite" which basically means she's getting emails and fielding plenty of offers. One of them is going to be surprised when the day after the child is born she files for child support as I'm sure she knows full well that their "contract" won't be valid.

But, let's take a stroll through time now, shall we? We know when her next ovulation days are, I know exactly when her last period was due to her ranting email, so I can do a darn good job of determining when her last ovulation window was. Wouldn't you know it, that would be exactly when she and I had sex. Which, now explains why she attempted to skip using a condom that night. Talk about a nightmare scenario. Luckily, I was smart enough not to fall into her no-condom trap. And yes, I fully believe it was a trap.

So, let's sum it up. Along with every other bizarre thing that happened, she's also advertising to have sex with any "healthy" stranger for the sole purpose of getting pregnant, during the same time period that she attempted to have un-protected sex with me, again for the sole purpose of getting pregnant. I'll tell you what, that was an exciting 30 days. And, so ends the story of drama-free girl. I'm not saying anything to her, I'm just fading away. Sometimes it's better not to have a confrontation, or secretly I'm just scared she'd come by and kill me in my sleep. Thank god I gave her Andy's last name. Seriously.

In hindsight, how could I not have predicted this exact outcome? I now have a new question to ask on any future first date, "Will you be attempting to get pregnant without my knowledge, or advertising to have sex with other men at any time during our dating relationship?" I don't believe that question is currently listed my edition of the "Idiot's guide to dating." I'll have to contact the publisher and inform them of their oversight.

Chill Factor
John and Cory pointed out that ice cubes don't cover this scenario. I'm going with a perfect score of 10 of "The Scream."

As sad as my last couple of encounters were with my drama-free girl, we still had plans for the full day on Saturday. The beach, the pier in St Pete, and then watching the UFC 72 fight. I can't say I was really looking forward to it at this point, but I was still giving it a shot. Fortunately, she canceled at the last minute, which didn't bother me at all as I wasn't up to whatever bizarre scenario would likely unfold with her. Now I was looking forward to going and watching the fight by myself, relaxing. But, I wanted to share the email she sent to let me know she was canceling....

- - - - - - - - - -
To be honest i am SOOOOOOOOO not in the mood. I'm PMSing, I DO NOT want to go to the beach, I don't really want to see the fight. I don't want to go to the pier. I'm VERY testy and moody, I feel bloated and crampy and pimply. But because I made plans I feel like I can't cancel, which only pisses me off more because it's like being in a fucking relationship, which I don't want. So I feel all trapped and like I didn't want to go in the first place and can think of a few things I'd rather be doing, things I need to get done....

Fuck it.

Sorry.

Not going.
- - - - - - - - - - -

I'm just glad to be reminded of how low-drama she is. Does it normally require two uses of the "F" word just to cancel a date? Maybe I'm just overly polite, because I don't believe I've ever had to say it more than once when I've canceled a date with someone, but that's just me.

As a side note, she and I are not in a "relationship" as she confirmed, and there's little doubt that's a good thing. I was thrilled NOT to have to go pick her up and ruin my day. I know, I know, I should have bailed the first day she attacked her ex husband, or perhaps when she threw a tantrum over flip-flops, or maybe when... yeah, several times, but I'm a big softie (sucker) and I didn't. But then, along came Sunday afternoon, and it finally stuck, even I couldn't get past this one.... Grand finale is tomorrow!

In a previous entry I mentioned drama-free girl's lack of ability to see herself through the eyes of others. Another example of that is that she also says that she's unflappable, nothing can "freak her out" because she's not "weak minded" enough to let that happen. That's how she talks, quite humble. She's used her I'm "not weak minded" phrase to explain why it was so easy for her to quit smoking, cold turkey... minutes before I watch her burn through a half pack of cigarettes. Somehow nothing seemed to click in her mind there.

Yet, as I mentioned, I STILL liked this girl and was trying to do something nice one of the evenings I was visiting her. She's a single mom and spends most of her time, energy, and money on her son. So, I thought it would be nice to take her shopping, where she got to buy something fun just for herself. Some summer clothes, whatever she wanted. We went to a department store, and I told her to have at it. At first, she seemed pretty happy. Why not? I've met very few women that don't like to shop, and fewer that don't like to shop if someone else is paying. Then, she started to freeze up, said it was hard to shop with someone watching. I can understand that. No problem, I offered to take her son and go to a different department, or a different store, or I'd leave the shopping center entirely and take her son to get an ice cream. She declined all suggestions, said it wouldn't help because I'd still eventually see what she bought. Ummm, yeah, but that's no different than everything you're currently wearing.

Nothing I offered to do helped, she stared at the ground. Finally she looked back up at me, her face red and her hands shaking. She had gone into a full blown panic attack by the mere fact that the three of us were standing near the clothing department. I put my arm around her and walked her out of the store. Yep, that's my girl, you just can't freak her out, no sir.

Ok, that one was more entertaining than anything else. At least she didn't hit anyone, so overall it was a positive experience. Yes, I had lowered my expectations to the level that this was a positive experience. Unfortunately, we still had to drive home....

Most people heard of getting a "charley horse?" Basically, that's when you get a muscle bruise, with the name probably starting because it feels like you've been kicked by a horse. Kids do it a lot, make a knuckle and drive it into your leg or arm muscle.

So, I'm driving along with drama-free, and her son is acting up a little. Not too bad, just being a little smart. She tells him to stop, he doesn't, so she makes a knuckle and nails him in his thigh. He immediately starts to cry. It's very hard to be critical of someone's parenting. It's such a challenging and personal matter. I'm just saying I've never actually seen the "charley horse" technique used on a 3yr old before.

Believe it or not, I've started to lose faith in drama-free girl by now. No, seriously. Yet, we still had a date planned for Saturday....

When I write this much about one girl it may sound like I've been picking on her, but the truth is I like her, which is why it drove me nuts that she didn't turn out to be quite as sane as I'd hoped for. And, somehow in all the chaos I did in fact sleep with my "drama-free" girl. I really don't know how it happened and originally I thought there was no way I'd write about. I normally write with humor, and not get into the sexual arena. Conveniently, I rarely have any sexual information to share anyway. But, in this case it all ties in and is integral to the grand finale coming on Friday, so here goes....

We were at her house, but the place was packed. The roomie was around, the 15yr old girl was still visiting, and her son was asleep in her bed. Somehow we started making out when we ended up alone for a couple of minutes. This progressed, and we went outside down by my truck. Despite the chaos we still have this odd physical attraction and it was hot. Next thing I know, we're driving off. Where are we going at 1:00am? I don't know. We end up pulling into an empty parking lot, a golf course of all places. Not exactly my normal spot, especially if we're talking about a first sexual encounter with a girl. Yet, the wheels were in motion.

Now, at this point her shorts are sitting on the dash of my truck and she's climbing on top of me, when she stops and says, "hey Josh, what's your last name?" Seriously.

We had hung out at least a half dozen times by now, and that had never come up. I knew hers simply because I had seen it written down somewhere at her place, but she had never asked mine. When I finally stopped laughing, I gave her Andy's last name. I'm kidding Andy... probably.

Satisfied that she now knew Andy's last name, she climbs back on me and initiates intercourse. My response, "wait, get off me" and I lifted her away from me. Ummm, most of us would use a little something called a condom in a situation like this. Though I'm flattered she didn't consider me to be a health risk, and I like to imagine she's safe as well, in either case I don't actually want to father a child in the freakin golf course parking lot. Look, there are two rules on the golf course: Always replace your divot, and always use a condom. It's in the manual.

I did have a condom, so we were able to proceed with our romantic evening. For the official record, this was actually the night that I used the "Arrrr, do you know where I could bury me treasure?" pirate pick-up line provided by Johnny D. It's most likely a coincidence, but I'm giving him full credit and declaring him the reigning champion of pirate pick-up lines that help you score at golf courses. It's his niche. Even though I'm not sure doing that turned out to be the best idea anyway. Again, I'm only actually mentioning that I slept with her because it will tie into the story I post on Friday, which will send shudders down your spine. I'm not exaggerating. Shudders down your spine!

The girl I've been kinda seeing, aka "streetfighter" or "drama-free" girl as I like to call her now, has become a living train wreck, that I can't look away from. She's actually smart and interesting to talk to (when she's not doing something nuts) and also very pretty, which does make it difficult, despite the obvious warning signs. You know, like attacking her ex husband in a vacant parking lot. Little things like that, hardly worth mentioning, really. Basically there's no attachment on either side at this point. Somehow I usually still have a good time with her despite everything, but the red lights have kept me from doing anything stupid, like getting too involved. At least I'm learning.

One of the things I like best is that she has no view of her self. I think we all see ourselves slightly different than others see us, but hopefully we're close. There are two things that she consistently describes herself as. First, she adamantly states that she's "no-drama." She's probably told me that a dozen times, hence I refer to her as drama-free girl.

I don't even think I have to mention that attacking your ex husband with a flurry of left hooks until the police are on their way counts as drama. It's straight out of Jerry Springer and easily the single most drama filled moment of a date I've ever been on.

On another occasion I got to experience the bliss the goes along with spending time with someone that is completely drama free. We were at the beach drum circle again, this time with her roommate and her 15yr old friend. This is the girl she kinda acts as a big sister to when the girl is having family problems at home. It's nice, it's one of her good qualities. As we were getting ready to leave, the 15yr old couldn't find her flip-flops, which as it turned out weren't hers, she was borrowing them from drama free girl. Drama free hissed at her that she better find them. Myself, the 15yr old, and the roommate all looked for the next 20 minutes while my date stood there, watched, and kept playing her drum. No luck, they must have wandered off with someone else in the crowd. No big deal, they were like $8 wal-mart flip flops. Oh, no, it's apparently a big deal. The 15yr old got chewed out to no end and probably wished she was back home with her alcoholic father at some point.

We then got into the car to leave, and the first thing I noticed was that this couldn't have been a one-time occurrence. The 15yr old and the roommate both sat in total silence the entire drive home. Apparently they knew the rules, when "drama-free" girl throws a tantrum, you leave her alone. They had a complete system already in place. Nice.

However, drama-free girl had an ice cooler up front with her, which she got annoyed with at some point during the drive home and she chucked it into the back seat, bouncing it off both myself and her 3yr old son in the car seat. He started to cry, but drama-free had her head phones on and I have no idea if she even noticed. I checked him out, he was totally fine and stopped crying fairly quickly. He was probably just glad to know how drama free his mom was. Hey, at least she didn't punch anyone, and that cooler was mostly empty, mostly.

To her credit (if saying something like that doesn't sound too absurd by now, which it should) her tantrum only lasted about an hour. By the time we got home she cooled down enough to have a talk and make up with the 15yr old girl. Ahhh, one big happy family again.

I'll address the additional part, the "nothing can freak me out" side of her personality next time. Not that the above two examples didn't address that completely already, but I got another treat when on different occasion I got to see her freak (or not-freak-out as she would probably insist) in a non-violent way for a pleasant change. That's coming up shortly.

After that, I can finally get to the best part. I can't write it now simply because if I admitted it people would come up to me and slap me. They'd say, are you that guy, the stupid guy? And I'd say yeah, and they'd just slap me and walk away. I hate it when they do that.

A few weeks ago I went on a date that I never mentioned. It went fine, the girl was nice, we just didn't fall madly in love. But, the story is entertaining anyway. When I was talking to the girl it turned out that she's a veterinarian. Very cool, quite impressive. I mentioned that I have a friend that works at a place called FVS, which is a very large vet over in Tampa, open 24 hours a day, emergency department, everything. She immediately asked who I knew there. Oh crap, she works there too, stupid small world!

Well, the person that works there is Trixie, of course. Yep, those two know each other. Interesting. I told her who my friend was, though I had to use her real name as I was sure she wouldn't know her by "Trixie."

The veterinarian was noticeably concerned that I knew someone there. Some people are still a little cautious to admit publicly that they are an "online dater." But, mostly I just think she wanted to keep her personal life separate from her work life. I don't blame her, I've hung around with Trixie and a few other members of FVS enough to understand that place is a gossip hotspot. It's kinda like Grey's Anatomy with animals. So, I promised her I wouldn't say a word to Trixie. The vet and I actually talked for a few weeks before we ever met, and despite the fact that I would have liked to ask Trixie about her to get some insight before our date, I kept my word.

We finally went on a date, and I gave some serious thought to what would be the funniest thing I could possibly do considering the interesting situation of her working somewhere that I have a close friend, but she REALLY doesn't want anyone there to know about her online dating status. I finally came up with something, I could print up a flier. Yes! She and I had also joked about how bad of a date we were going to have. I don't remember how that running joke started, but I decided to combine the two ideas. Here's what I came up with:

I printed out the main picture from her dating profile and then added some text above it. It looked something like this:



I thought that would be hilarious to give to her during dinner. I really don't see how anything could go wrong with that plan. On the drive there I called Andy to make sure. He confirmed, it was an excellent plan. Andy's the best because no matter what plan I come up with, he thinks it's excellent. Hey Andy, if I got my truck going fast enough do you think I could jump that open draw bridge? "Yeah, I think that's an excellent plan, you should definitely do that." Thanks Andy, I'll give it a try!

Dinner was going well, and I suspected she actually had a good sense of humor, so I did in fact hand her the flier half way through our Thai dinner. I mentioned to her that I had printed up a couple dozen for Trixie to tack up around FVS. My vet date totally laughed when she saw it and she kept it. I don't know that she still has it, but I suspect she secretly sleeps with it under her pillow.

We haven't seen each other since then, but we've emailed a few times. She mentioned to me that she came up behind my friend at work one day and called her, "Trixie" which immediately let her know that she had met me. So, I kept my vow of silence, and she was the one that eventually broke down and let Trixie in on the date. She didn't mention the flier to her, imagine that. Trixie agreed, though, my flier was an excellent idea. I can never really tell if her and Andy are being sarcastic or not....

Most importantly, Andy came up with a spin-off from my idea. Now, the next time I go on an initial internet date, we'll say with a girl named Jenny for this example, the "excellent" idea is to get one of those iron-on transfers, print out the girl's profile picture, and wear it on a t-shirt to the date. I'd then add "I love you, Jenny" underneath the picture. That very well might be the funniest thing in dating history. Again, I don't see what could go wrong with that plan. Well, besides a restraining order.

In other news...
The streetfighter girl, that I now sometimes refer to as "drama-free" girl is getting her own category. She's so entertaining that I'm having trouble walking away because the stories are so good and plentiful. This week will officially be "drama-free" week in her honor, and there will be a new story each day. Check back all week, you won't be disappointed, I promise.

I seem to be getting stood up as I write this. It's not official yet, but close. This is an online girl that I first talked to months ago, actually on a different site. Somehow our conversations faded, but then bumped into her on the site I switched over to and we started talking again. We set up a dinner date for Thur night, back on Sunday. We confirmed via txt msg on Tuesday evening. On Wed evening I asked her (via txt) what time she wanted to meet on Thur, she said any time after 6:00, so we agreed on 7:00. My next question was if she had a favorite restaurant in mind, or would like me to pick a place? She never responded to that one. Oh well, probably just got busy...

So, on Thur I called, left a message. Basically same question, just asked if she had a place she liked, and if she didn't I had a couple of places in mind. She never called back. So, I know what time I'm meeting her, I just don't know where.

Excluding the possibility that she in fact died during the 5 minutes between my two txt messages, I'd say that was kinda rude.

Chill Factor = 3 1/2


As an update, she sent a text around 9:15 saying it was a hectic day at work and needed a rain check.

I have a date on Thur night (not with the streetfighter, that's Sat night, obviously). I'm well aware that streetfighter is insane, thus I'm trying to expand my horizons to include the sane women of the world, though I believe there's only 9 of them, so it's pretty limited.

I don't know much about this girl, it's a first date, except that she's a UFC fan. It seems I like girls that know how to fight. So, we're going to a late dinner on Thur at a local sportsbar/restaurant to eat and watch the weekly episode of the "Ultimate Fighter" on Spike tv. Oddly, on Sat I will be taking the streetfighter to the same place to watch UFC 72... Brilliant!

But, anyway, given that limited information about new girl, what smooth pick up lines can you all come up with to help me get lucky (like 2nd base) in the parking lot after watching the fights? Johnny D is reigning champion.

Wait, while I'm making requests, I need something for a bank teller. I've seen her twice and she's cute and very friendly. Granted, it's her job to be friendly, but still. This last time she asked if my name was Josh, which she cleverly deduced by reading the name on the check I was depositing... but it was to a business acct, so it wasn't 100% clear. I'm just pointing out that most tellers don't give a crap what my name is either way. Then, she tried to ask if there was anything else, and she totally botched it, spitted out some jibberish and had to start over. She sounded like me when I'm trying to talk to a hot chick or something. So, for this one I need something slightly more sophisticated/subtle than Johnny D's line, as I don't actually want to get tossed out of the bank. I think I'll go move money from my business acct to my personal acct to have a reason to be in the bank. The next day I'll just move it back. I'll do that until I get bored or run out of lines.

I've actually gone on a couple of dates with the streetfighter chick. I realize that's not necessarily a good way to start seeing someone. The only two women I've spoken to both strongly advised against it, and they're right as I'd say the exact same thing if the situation was reversed. Perhaps I'm making one of those dumb dating decisions. Me? No way.

I was at her house, but it was a packed place. Her son was asleep in her room, she had a 16yr old "friend" that she basically acts as a big sister to when the girl is having a bad time at her home, and the roommate was around. Not an inch of privacy, but we hung out and had a good time the whole night.

I had already warned her that my friends had helped me score another amazingly smooth pirate pick-up line, so she should be ready to swoon later on. I say "another" pirate line because on a previous date I had already used my favorite pirate line. You look her deep in the eyes, then look downward, quite obviously staring at her breasts and say, "Arrrrr, that's quite a treasure chest ye got there." Works every time. Seriously. Ok, by works every time I mean that the girl usually laughs, but it's mostly at you.

At some point we were making out on the porch of her 3rd floor apt which had a very nice breeze, but mainly was the only place we had any privacy. Right in the middle, I stop and look at her, "Arrrrr, do you know where I could bury me treasure?" She laughed her ass off, probably just as much at the line as the fact that I wanted to use it so badly that I STOPPED making out with her in order to say it. It was John that came up with this line, I'd be lost without him and Andy. I'd probably be having real conversations with women, and perhaps even sex on occasion, instead of smooth pirate lines. Where would be the fun in that?

I was out on a date on Sunday of Memorial day weekend. Hard to officially call it a date, but close enough. It was with a girl I met a few months ago, but she started dating someone right when we met so nothing developed, despite the fact that we got along really well and had some nice physical attraction. We did stay in touch and spent a little time together as friends. We were going down to the drum circle at Siesta Key beach. It was myself, the girl, her 3yr old son, and her roommate. And, as it turned out, on the morning of our excursion she and her boyfriend broke up. She spent a decent part of the drive down to the beach txt messaging back and forth. I just kept on the quiet side, let those two sort things out. I wasn't exactly pulling for them to get back together, though.

We all had a nice BBQ, enjoyed the drum circle and headed back home a little after 9:00pm. Not the most romantic or personal date, but it was a lot of fun and we got along really well. The chances of it turning into something at this point had certainly increased from the day before when she had a boyfriend. As we're heading back (roommate is driving) she says something like, "turn around, I think that was Carlos." There was a guy on the sidewalk on the far side of the street, apparently that would be Carlos. The roommate turns around and drives us down to the next block, and into a shopping center parking lot that Carlos was walking toward. My date immediately gets out of the car and storms across the deserted parking lot toward him. Hmmmm, that doesn't look too promising. So, I ask the roommate, "hey, who the heck is Carlos." And the answer is, "that's her ex husband." Oh crap. I had briefly heard about him. Apparently there were a few very minor issues, like physical abuse and leaving her for another woman. She HATES this guy. Considering she hasn't even seen him in 6 months or so, what exactly would be the chances of bumping into him in the middle of nowhere on the way home? Well, if we're on one of my dates, I'd say pretty darn good.

She's half way across the parking lot and as soon as he saw her coming he changed directions and tried to avoid her. She's agile though, and cut him off at every step. From nearly a 100 yards away you couldn't see all the details, but obviously they weren't having a happy little conversation. Then, I thought I might be mistaken, but I could swear she just threw a punch at him. Wait, there's another one, no doubt about it. There was nothing girlish about these punches either, these were solid left hooks that were on target and thrown with bad intentions. Oh come on... a nice, normal date, is that really too much to ask?

The guy didn't retaliate, which was good, but after a couple of fists landed on his jaw he reached that point where the "never hit a girl" rule comes into question. And, according to the story I had heard, he never really followed that rule anyway. He finally grabbed her and threw her to the ground. Granted, she had in fact totally started this fight and he had done a pretty good job of just trying to avoid her, but I'm also not going to sit and watch if he starts beating on her. I jumped out of the back of the car and started sprinting across the parking lot fully expecting to be in a fight in a few seconds. Fortunately, he never hit her and was once again just trying to avoid her. She, in fact, was right back in his face cutting him off. She landed another left hook on his chin while I stood there still trying to calculate the odds of bumping into him walking down the street during our date.

At this time a small group was converging on the scene, there are always a few people hanging around your closed shopping center parking lot it seems. Everyone is basically trying to calm my date down and telling the guy to just walk away. Easier said than done as she's not moving an inch out of his way. If he's half as bad as I had heard, I really don't care that she's been nailing him with some good punches. But, there were enough people around that you have to believe someone has called and the cops aren't that far away at this point. Everyone there saw her walk up and hit him, and it's memorial day weekend so if you do get taken to jail, you're probably not getting out until Tue. Where exactly does that leave her 3yr old son that's still asleep in the back seat of the car? So, I put my arm around her and tried to calm her down and separate them so we could just get out of there before things got any worse, but she in return gave me a surprisingly hard shove. Ok then, I'll just wait over here, and I walked off.

Vacant parking lot chaos continued for a few more minutes. A few interesting details, such as one girl that wandered over yelled at me. Apparently the fact that I was standing there quietly minding my own business annoyed her in some way. She then proceeded to cause problems with half the people there. I have no idea where she even came from. Another girl that wandered over to get involved told me I had to move our car (the roommate had driven over and parked it close by). Move it? We're in an empty parking lot, move it where, another empty parking lot? I simply ignored her as well without saying a word. I believe at that moment in time it was proven that all women are in fact crazy.

Finally, my date relented (after a couple more left hooks) and the guy managed to shuffle out of there. I'd say she hit him at least a half dozen times in total, maybe more. It had to hurt, hurt me a little just watching. We all got in the car and headed back to their apartment. Seriously, I’m not asking for much, just one good date. How hard can it be?

On the drive back I'm going through a few things in my head, such as:
Where are my keys?
Did I leave anything in her apartment, or can I just get in my truck and go?
Oh, who cares if I left anything in her apartment, thank god I have my keys.

However, by the time we got back she had apologized several times and I know those two have some seriously bad history, so I stayed a bit and we just talked about it. I'm actually seeing her again soon. If it was reversed, if a girl was on a date with a guy and the guy took the opportunity to chase down someone in a vacant parking lot and start beating on them I'd tell the girl she was nuts if she ever went out with him again. But, taking into consideration their history, and the fact that I get along with her really well (when she's not involved in a street fight) I'm giving her one free pass. One. Besides, if it ever came down to it and she started throwing left hooks at me, I think I could take her. Though, after watching her in action, I'm not positive...

I was flying out of the Tampa airport last week. As I approached the security station, I noticed a girl with a pink backpack a short ways ahead of me. She turned around, was cute and more importantly had a friendly face. Some women can be beautiful, but just don't look friendly. She did, and that officially made her my type. We ended up next to each other in line and I was just about to say something witty, clever, and quite possibly brilliant when the security guy pointed at me and told me to put my bag on the table. I was lucky enough to be the random guy they select for additional screening. I was then led into an upright glass coffin, though he referred to it as the puffer machine. Has anyone else seen this? You stand in this glass box, the doors shut behind you and then it hits you with little bursts of air. The machine then analyzes the particles in the air. You wait, and just hope that the light finally turns green. If it turns red that means it has detected traces of C-4 explosive, anthrax, or something of that nature and you're instantly incinerated. I might be making that incinerated part up, but the rest is true. Luckily, the light turned green and I was released unharmed. Unfortunately, pink backpack had moved on.

After buying some fruity goodness in the form of starburst, I saw pink backpack again. In fact, she ended up down at gate 6, and I was going to gate 5. I quickly sent a text msg to both Andy and Trixie to let them know I was going in for the nearly impossible airport pickup. I do this mainly to keep myself from chickening out, as once I have made a bold statement both Andy and Trixie would mock me mercilessly if I bail out. In retrospect, that's not any different than how they normally treat me. Andy does help out with incredibly smooth lines, though. On my return trip he came up with a couple of nearly perfect airport lines, such as:

In a white trash voice, go up to a girl and say, "flyin somewhar?"

I explained to him that I was in Texas, so wasn't sure how anyone would distinguish the difference between a white trash accent, and just plain Texan. He conceded that was a very good point, and came up with an ever better line. Go up to the girl and say:

"You must be a pilot, because I'd like to take a tour of your cockpit."

At this point I believe I should mention that none of Andy's lines have EVER actually helped me, or anyone else, meet a girl. However, 4 days earlier back in Tampa...

I did go up to pink backpack and dropped my bag down next to her. Before I even sat down she looked up at me and said, "Hey." See, I knew she had a friendly face. The conversation took off like we were old friends. She was quite interesting, going to enter grad school in the fall and right now was heading off to Europe for 3 weeks with a group she signed up with, not knowing anyone. A very adventurous spirit, more bonus points. As it turned out, we were both heading to Texas on the same flight. Fate didn't actually put us next to each other on the plane, but we talked for the next hour and to keep the conversation going we even waited until the very last to board the plane.

On the plane we were 4 rows apart, but it was a packed flight and they weren't allowing any seat swapping. I did throw a couple of smiles back her way, and when she didn't have her head down solving a sudoku puzzle, she smiled back. Anyone that knows me is well aware that if you give me 5 minutes to think, I can come up with something incredibly dorky that often ends in disaster. Imagine what I could do with a two hour flight. I held out as long as possible, but finally something had to be done. The dorkiest thing I could think of was to pass her a note, like back in the 9th grade. Yes!

I wrote her a note (luckily I had a notebook with me that I brought so that I could write down a few cool programming ideas I had floating around in my head. Chicks dig a guy that carries around a notebook to write down programming ideas). I then walked down the row, handed her one delicious starburst, one note, smiled and walked back to my seat without saying a word. She smiled back and I could only imagine how anxious she was to see what I had written her. No, seriously.

The note read something like this:
Hi Becky,
I thought it would be fun to pass you a note like we were in Jr High. I know, pretty smooth, am I right? Since we both have a layover in Texas, would you like to hang out with me for a while after we land? You have to answer in 9th grade style, though...



I'm telling you, if women thought I was half as funny as I think I am, I'd be set. However, she was trapped in the center seat, and right after I dropped off the note we began our descent, so I would have to wait until after we landed to get a response. I got off the plane first, and waited for her. She handed me the note back with the yes box checked in eye liner as apparently she didn't have a pen. She had even re-folded the note into a paper airplane. I really like a girl that can play along with my sense of humor.

We spent the next hour waiting over by my gate as I had the earlier flight out. Had a great time and it was the fastest airport layover I've ever had. In the end I scored her email address and a hug. Granted, we probably had a different perspective. I believe I was thinking something along the lines of,
"this girl is super cool, I'd totally go out on a date with her when she gets back from Europe."

And she was thinking,
"this guy is super cool, I'd totally hang out with him for the next 57 minutes until his plane leaves."

But, that's ok because I believe that 10 years from now she'll be looking out an airplane window, most likely flying over Nebraska, and she'll catch herself smiling as she remembers that quirky stranger that passed her a note on an airplane all those years ago. Ok, maybe not, but I probably will.

By rule, I have to issue a chill factor, so just one ice cube for this one.

A real quick update. I've recently been talking to another online girl. A couple of nice emails, seems to have a good sense of humor. She asked me what was my favorite roller coaster ride at Busch Gardens. My answer was something like this:

"I like Montu the best, followed closely by Kumba. I'm not a real big fan of Sheikra. It just doesn't last long enough. Once you start it's basically two drops, a twist, and it's over in less than 30 seconds. Kinda like when I have sex."

And there is reason #37 of why I'm still single.

I've recently decided to attempt to move away from my yard service work. Working outside has been a much needed break from the cubicle world, but as the weather warms up I can't help but be reminded how tough outside work can be during a hot Florida summer. Two summers appear to be plenty for me. Lately I've been doing some freelance programming work. Not top of the line pay by any means, but decent enough. So far, not doing that many hours, but it's been by choice. It seems I have the opportunity to get as many hours as I'd like with one of my contract customers and even if it's not the highest pay in the world, it's strictly working from home, which does have some big advantages.

I also have an interview on Thursday for a local firm. Small company, but this one would be significantly higher pay. The only drawback is that it's an in office job. I'd have to go back to a normal routine, which might not be that bad except I had started to plan the "Summer of Jdog." For those readers that haven't been to Montana, it's an amazing place, especially during the summer. I have a lot of friends back there, and was starting to plan a way to stay out there, doing my freelance work. I believe that my good friends John and Andy would hook me up with a place to stay (I could be wrong, they could be upgrading their home security system as we speak). Rafting, fly-fishing, the legendary Bozeman recreational soccer league (perhaps the most fun I've had in the last 10 years) canoeing on the Yellowstone, Montana camping. It's just a perfect place to spend the summer and I was 80% going to make it work... until I got a phone call for a job I had sent in a resume for, the small local firm mentioned previously. I'm in a quandry. I hope that one of the following happens...
A. They love me, and it's such a great job and the pay is so high I sing songs on the way home.
B. It totally sucks.
C. They hate me.

This option wouldn't be quite as good:
D. They like me, it's sounds ok, and they offer me "decent" pay.

I'm not sure what to do with that one. I know what I'd do if it sounds great and they offer me double what I'm making doing freelance now. And, if it's crap on the other hand I'll start packing for Montana. I don't know for sure what I'd do if it's a pretty good job, somewhere in between. Those that know me probably have guessed I'm not that obsessed with money. I drive a 15yr old truck that I've actually owned myself for 12 years. I get by, and I have fun. I don't really want to start being a money guy now over a few dollars per hour. Then again, solid income is sometimes tough to pass over.

So, if by some bizarre chance someone reading this blog works somewhere that needs a darn good PHP, MySQL, AJAX programmer then go ahead and solve my issue by offering me a freelance job with pretty good pay! I'm cleaning out my inbox just to get ready for the flood of job offers. Seriously.

The summer of Jdog is currently at 65%.

I've been talking to another online dating site girl. She seems pretty nice, lives about an hour south of me. She suggested we go to a nature park close to where she lives, perhaps some kayaking. Wait a second Josh, that sounds a whole lot like your last date, you know, the one that lasted 22 minutes because the girl showed up hungover and could barely walk, much less kayak? Yeah, but what's the chance that a 2nd girl would do that. I mean, just because we're meeting the day after St Patty's day, one of the heaviest drinking nights of the year, certainly that can't be a bad sign....

Much to my disappointment, she sh